buttholeos:

i was checking out at target and this guy was being really flirty with me and his nametag said rosemarie so when i left i said “have a good night rosemarie” and he said “rosemarie??” and i pointed to his nametag and he said fuck very loud then said “they are always fucking doing this to me”

saboobnah:

bird privilege is being able to make loud as fuck noises early in the morning without somebody calling the cops on you

darrynek:

trainerzero:

peanut butter is really gross

*1692 voice* burn the witch

rabioheab:

mom, dad, these are my newborn twins. their names are mom and dad. i named them after you. what do you mean ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ aren’t your real names? what the hell? i already named these kids thanks for telling me now

stacysdad:

chestnuts roasting on an open laptop charger

googlevideos:

sex is a lot like a hot bath

once you get your balls in the worst part’s over and you can get your torso and arms and stuff in

i’ve never had sex

(Source: aiclan)

turntechgodisc:

dont-stop-runninggg:

knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit

wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad 

charisma is convincing someone to do it anyways

(Source: fuckking-crazy)